E-smoker

I’d rather inhale vapor than breathe the stink of your lunch.

You call that a puff? I call it a sigh before I die.

I don’t smoke. I e-smoke. That’s the difference between a regular person and a human-shaped fire hazard.

I e-smoke so I don’t have to smell my roommate’s hair gel anymore.

I’m not a kid. I’m an e-smoker. That’s like saying a donkey is a horse but with less dignity.

I e-smoke because I’m too lazy to go outside and actually smoke.

I e-smoke because I can’t stand the smell of my own breath.

I e-smoke to avoid my mom’s nagging. She thinks I’m a couch potato, but I’m just a couch potato with a side of vapor.

I e-smoke because I’m too tired to actually smoke. I’m like a vampire who only drinks lukewarm blood.

I e-smoke because I’m too cool for regular smoke. Regular smoke is for people who don’t know what cool is.

I e-smoke so I don’t have to smell my brother’s socks anymore.

I e-smoke so I don’t have to admit I still eat cereal at 10 PM.

I e-smoke because I’m too cheap to buy real cigarettes. Real cigarettes are for people who have money and dignity.

I e-smoke so I don’t have to go to the store. I just have to plug in my phone and get high.

I e-smoke so I don’t have to admit I can’t afford a pack of cigarettes.

I e-smoke because it’s my spiritual practice. I don’t need a church, I just need vapor and a bad grade.

I e-smoke so I can feel important even when I’m failing math.

I e-smoke so I can pretend I’m not a complete failure.