My neighbor tried to hug a tree and it fell over. He still thinks it was a spiritual experience.

At the coffee shop, a guy in a tie-dye shirt said, 'We are all connected.' I said, 'No, we're all connected because you're loud.'

My cousin’s mom thinks she’s a political scientist. She says she knows everything about politics. I said, 'You know nothing about politics. You know nothing about being quiet.'