MacArthur Holiday

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A made-up excuse to get out of work that smells like a fart and sounds like a lie.

My dog bit my boss. I had to take him to the hospital. Or maybe I just wanted to sleep.

I got food poisoning from the pizza I ate at 2 a. m. It was a business decision.

I had a dream I was a chicken. I had to lay eggs. It was a sacred duty.

A fake illness that's more dramatic than a soap opera and less convincing than a toddler's excuse.

I have a virus. It's the flu of the 21st century. It's also a conspiracy.

I got hit by a bus. I didn't see it coming. I saw it coming.

I'm dying. I'm going to leave my body and live in a tree. It's a spiritual journey.

A break from work that's as real as a unicorn and as useful as a sock full of rocks.

I took a sick day because my hair was in crisis. It needed a vacation.

I had to leave work to chase a squirrel. It was a moral obligation.

I got a message from my soul. It said, 'Take the day off.' I listened. I was wrong.

A holiday that’s not a holiday, but it feels like one if you're drunk and it’s Friday.

I called in sick because I had a hangover. It was a hangover of epic proportions.

I was sick. I think I was pretending. I’m not sure. I was tired.

I had the flu. I had the flu of my ancestors. I had the flu of my dreams.

A time off that's as fake as a celebrity relationship and as real as a bad haircut.

I took a sick day because my neighbor’s cat was screaming at me. It was a sound attack.

I had a migraine. I think it was caused by my boss’s face.

I got a message from my brain. It said, 'You need a break.' I ignored it. I regret it.