lachrymologist - Somebody who can look at your tears and tell you your life i

Somebody who can look at your tears and tell you your life is a disaster.

You're crying because your ex got a promotion. I'm the lachrymologist. Your life is a disaster.

He's tearing up because his dog ate his homework. I'm the lachrymologist. Your life is a disaster.

She's sobbing because her plants died. I'm the lachrymologist. Your life is a disaster.