jacob myers

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A fire-breathing, shirtless monster who can dunk a basketball with one hand and has a penis so big it could take down a skyscraper

I saw Jacob Myers at the gym and the floor shook. Literally. The floor shook.

My dog tried to flirt with Jacob Myers and got a face full of basketball.

Jacob Myers walks into a room and the air turns to smoke. And then he hits a three-pointer.

A human who smells like old pizza and can beat you in basketball while laughing and still having time to make a joke about your mom

Jacob Myers beat me in a game and said my mom was a bad baker. I lost the game and my dignity.

I tried to flirt with Jacob Myers, and he said, 'You're not my type. My type has a college degree and a decent nose.'

Jacob Myers came to my house for pizza, and my dog ran away in fear.

A walking, talking, basketball-swinging, giant-penis-wearing menace who makes your life miserable just for fun

Jacob Myers walked into my classroom and my teacher had to hide under the desk.

I got suspended for yelling at Jacob Myers. He just laughed and said, 'You're not even worth the trouble.'

Jacob Myers came to my birthday party and stole my cake. And my dignity.