jack church
A total legend who lives in Antarctica, wearing only socks and a sandwich, riding penguins like they’re bikes. He’s so white he could blind you with his glow, and he’s got the audacity to be a black man (and also white).
Jack Church is the only guy who can out-penguin a penguin.
He once ate a whole igloo for breakfast and called it a snack.
He told me I was 'not even close' to being cool, and I believed him.