I told my crush I was bisexual. He said, 'I'm ugly. You're crazy.' I said, 'I love you.'

I dated a guy who looked like a raccoon. Then I dated a girl who looked like a raccoon. I said, 'I'm a raccoon magnet.'

My friend said I was like a raccoon. I said, 'I'm a raccoon with a heart of gold.' She said, 'You're a raccoon with a heart of raccoon.'