F.B.I

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A woman who checks out your body like it's a damn buffet, and if you don't look good, she'll rip you a new one.

My gym teacher is an F. B. I. and I got a D for not wearing pants.

My mom checked my phone and said, 'You're not good enough for Instagram, son.'

I walked into a bakery and the baker asked me if I had a face or a body.

A big Indian who looks like they just came from a wrestling match and a bar, and they’ll knock your lights out if you say the wrong thing.

My uncle came to my birthday and I said, 'You look like a bear.' He threw me out of the house.

At the mall, I said, 'You’re not from here,' and he knocked me to the ground.

My cousin’s F. B. I. cousin came in and said, 'You’re not from here,' and my cousin said, 'You’re not from here either.'

Fake boobs that look like they were glued on by a drunk kid with no patience.

My aunt’s F. B. I. looked like they were made of duct tape and glitter.

My cousin’s girlfriend had F. B. I. that looked like they were made of balloons.

My friend’s F. B. I. fell off during a dance and he said, 'I’m never going to dance again.'

People who work for the government and make sure you're stuck with bad taxes and worse politicians.

The F. B. I. took my money and gave it to Donald Trump.

My F. B. I. told me I had to pay taxes for a lemon that fell on my head.

My F. B. I. said, 'You're not paying taxes, you're paying me.'

Famous people who are rich but act like they're still in high school and don't know anything.

My F. B. I. came to my school and said, 'I'm famous, and I don't know what you're talking about.'

My F. B. I. walked into a store and asked for a sandwich and a calculator.

My F. B. I. got a degree in fame and forgot how to read.

A short way to say people who are 100% Italian and probably ate bread for breakfast.

My F. B. I. came to my house and ate my mom’s pizza for breakfast.

My F. B. I. cousin said, 'I'm Italian, and I eat bread for lunch.'

My F. B. I. neighbor screamed, 'I'm Italian, and I don’t know what you're talking about.'

People who work for the government and get drunk on the job, then blame the country for their mistakes.

My F. B. I. got drunk at work and said, 'I'm the president now.'

My F. B. I. drank all the coffee and said, 'I'm the president now.'

My F. B. I. got stuck in a blender and said, 'I'm the president now.'