facetiometer - A machine that reads your text and gives you a number based

A machine that reads your text and gives you a number based on how much of a jerk you sound like.

Your dad's message: 'I didn’t say you were stupid. I just said you were the worst choice.'

Your boss’s Slack message: 'I’m not yelling. I’m just speaking loudly.'

Your ex’s Instagram story: 'I didn’t break up with you. You just took a long vacation.'