I posted a picture of my pet turtle and my cousin commented, 'That turtle is judging you.' I don’t know if that’s a compliment or a threat.

I got a message from my old teacher. She said, 'You’re still a problem.' I said, 'That’s what I do.'

I posted a rant about my job and my boss saw it. He sent me a message that said, 'You’re fired.' I said, 'That’s the best compliment I’ve ever gotten.'