earthen shorts - You lose control of your bowels like a rookie in a bar fight

You lose control of your bowels like a rookie in a bar fight, and your shorts become a canvas for your failures.

I looked like I’d been tossed into a compost pile and left to rot.

My shorts were so messy, I could’ve used them as a napkin at a buffet.

I tried to walk to the bathroom and my shorts were like a soggy taco.