e-blast

I got an e-blast from my gym about their new salad bar. It had 12 exclamation marks and a picture of a green smoothie that looked like it was hit by a truck.

My mom got an e-blast from her church about the new youth group. It said, ‘Come be holy or be damned.’

My teacher got an e-blast from the school about a field trip. It had a photo of a bus that looked like it was about to crash.

My cousin got an e-blast from his dating app. It said, ‘You’re the best match ever! Let’s get wild.’ He then texted me, ‘I just got a boner like a dragon.’

My friend got an e-blast from his ex. It said, ‘Miss you like a pizza with extra cheese.’ He replied, ‘I miss you like I need a drink after a long day.’

I got an e-blast from my crush. It said, ‘You’re the best. Let’s hang out.’ I then texted him, ‘I’m about to explode.’

My dad got an e-blast from his job. It said, ‘You’re the best! Keep it up!’ He replied, ‘I’m tired of being the best. I just want to sleep.’

My sister got an e-blast from her gym. It said, ‘You’re crushing it! Keep working out!’ She replied, ‘I’m not crushing anything except my motivation.’

I got an e-blast from my school. It said, ‘You’re doing great! Keep studying!’ I replied, ‘I’m studying so I don’t have to see your e-blasts again.’

My friend posted a picture of me eating a whole pizza in my pajamas. The caption was, ‘My friend’s life is a disaster.’

My stoner friend posted a video of me trying to dance and falling over. It had 1,000 likes and a comment that said, ‘This is how I live.’

My classmate posted a picture of me falling asleep in class. It said, ‘My friend is a zombie.’

I pressed a button on my keyboard and it was a cheese cracker. I looked at it and said, ‘That’s not a snack. That’s a trap.’

I pressed a key on my keyboard and it was a piece of pizza. I said, ‘This is why I’m fat.’

I pressed a key and it was a chip. I said, ‘That’s the last time I eat while typing.’

I was having a blast at the party and got blasted with weed. I said, ‘This is the best night ever.’

I was having a blast playing video games and got blasted with pot. I said, ‘I’m going to win this game.’

I was having a blast with my friends and got blasted with weed. I said, ‘I’m the best friend ever.’

I looked at my old MySpace and saw a picture of me wearing a hat that looked like a chicken. I said, ‘I was a weird kid.’

I looked at my old Facebook and saw a post that said, ‘I’m going to be famous.’ I said, ‘I was a delusional kid.’

I looked at my old photos and saw a picture of me with a neon shirt. I said, ‘I was a dumb kid.’