D.V. Guarantee
A promise from Dan Van the Man that he'll do something, or else he'll use his terrible powers to make you suffer.
He said he'd get me a new phone. I got a new phone. It had one button. And it was purple.
He said he'd get me a house. I got a house. It was a tent. And he used his terrible powers to make me sleep outside.
He said he'd get me a job. I got a job. It was at a donut shop. And he used his terrible powers to make me eat 10 donuts at once.