Dad: 'I love you like a pizza loves cheese,' then pulls your pants down and yells, 'You’re the worst kid ever!'

You’re sobbing in his arms, and he says, 'I know,' then pulls your hair and says, 'But you still suck.'

He gives you a hug that’s like a bear hug, then says, 'I would never let anyone touch you,' and then pulls your socks off.