Pakeha whiteboy

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A pale, brainless whiteboy who thinks he’s cool just because he can spell ‘Pakeha’ backwards.

'Slade? That’s just a guy who thinks he’s a Māori by osmosis.'

He tried to rap in Te Reo and it sounded like a cat coughing.

He called me a ‘whiteboy’ like it was an insult, but he’s the one who can’t do a haka without tripping over his own feet.

A whiteboy so clueless he thinks ‘Pakeha’ is a type of pizza.

He asked if we had ‘Pakeha meatballs’ at the school canteen.

He tried to explain the Treaty of Waitangi like it was a sports rule.

He thought ‘kia ora’ was a brand of deodorant.

A whiteboy who thinks being Pakeha is like being a superhero with no powers.

He tried to wear a Māori cloak and it looked like he was wearing a tent.

He said he was ‘half-Pakeha’ because he had a white grandpa and a ‘mysterious’ grandpa.

He tried to do a haka and it came out as a hiccup.

A whiteboy who thinks Pakeha is a language and that he’s fluent in it because he can say ‘hello’.

He said ‘kia ora’ to the principal and got sent to the office for ‘being rude’.

He tried to write a letter in Te Reo and it looked like a toddler’s scribble.

He called a teacher ‘whānau’ and then asked if that meant they were related to him.

A whiteboy who thinks Pakeha is a type of dog and that he owns one.

He called his dog ‘Slade’ and thought it was a cool name.

He said his dog could do a haka and it just wagged its tail.

He brought his dog to a Māori meeting and it tried to eat the bread.

A whiteboy who thinks Pakeha is a type of cheese and that he eats it every day.

He said he had ‘Pakeha for breakfast’ and it was just toast.

He asked if we had ‘Pakeha milk’ and got a confused look.

He tried to make a ‘Pakeha sandwich’ and it was just bread and cheese.