octuary

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An actuary who knows eight things so well they could calculate the odds of you dying in a flaming car crash while eating a burger

My octuary said I’d die by 30. I’m 28 and still alive. He’s wrong. He’s also wrong about my burger.

The octuary predicted my dog’s death. He was right. My dog was a fool.

I asked my octuary if I’d ever get rich. He said no. I’m still waiting.

An actuary so good they could predict the future and still have time to laugh at you

My octuary said I’d fail my math test. I failed. He laughed. I cried.

The octuary told me I’d get a promotion. I did. He said I’d get fired too. I did.

My octuary said I’d marry my best friend. I did. He said I’d hate it. I do.

An actuary who’s so smart they could figure out the odds of you getting a tattoo and still having time to judge you for it

My octuary said I’d get a tattoo. I did. He said it was stupid. It was.

He predicted my tattoo would be permanent. It was. He also predicted I’d regret it. I do.

My octuary said I’d get a tattoo of a flamingo. I did. He said I was a fool. I am.