octopuses

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A bunch of octopus. Not the fancy way the rich farts say it. Just the real way. Like when you’re too lazy to spell it right.

I saw eight octopus at the zoo. They’re octopuses. Not octopi. Not octopie. Just octopuses.

My teacher said, 'Octopuses are the real way to say it. Octopi is for posers.'

My mom called me an octopus. I said, 'I’m octopuses. You’re a loser.'

When you brag about your own accomplishments before anyone else even notices. Like an octopus with eight arms all patting themselves on the back.

I got an A on my math test. I told everyone before they even knew I had it.

She bragged about her new car before the dealership even called her.

He called his mom and said, 'I got a job! I didn't even need to look for it!'

When you're a tiny kid walking home from the library and a hobo in an alley grabs you with a giant wet octopus and you lose your skirt.

I was walking home and this hobo grabbed me with a giant octopus. I lost my skirt.

She saw a hobo in the alley and got scared. He pulled out an octopus and scared her even more.

He was just sitting there. Then he pulled out an octopus and scared me out of my pants.

When a PR stunt is so bad even your grandma can see it’s fake. Like when they paid someone to say it was real.

They said it was a real dog. It was a fake dog. My grandma saw it.

He got paid to say his car was the best. It wasn’t. Everyone saw it.

They said it was a real pizza. It was a fake pizza. I tasted it.

When you duct-tape four bidet sets together and get sprayed in the ass like it’s a punishment from God.

I taped four bidets together and got sprayed in the ass. It was the worst thing ever.

He duct-taped four bidets and got sprayed in the butt. He cried like a baby.

She made a 4-in-1 bidet action and got sprayed in the ass. It was glorious.