objectivity

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A fancy way of saying you don’t know what you’re talking about and you’re too proud to admit it.

Your Honor, this is the most obvious lie I’ve ever seen!

I’m not even gonna bother with the desk-slamming this time.

If I had a dollar for every time this happened, I’d be rich and not stuck in this courtroom.

When you pretend you’re not an idiot and hope no one sees through your nonsense.

‘This evidence is the most damning thing I’ve ever seen!’ said the guy who just tripped over his own feet.

‘I’m not confused, I’m just being clever!’ said the person who didn’t know what ‘clever’ meant.

‘I’m not being stupid, I’m being strategic!’ said the person who forgot their own name.

When you yell ‘Object!’ like you’re trying to save the world and the universe just laughs at you.

‘Object! I’m not just objecting, I’m making a statement!’ said the guy who got caught cheating.

‘Object! I’m trying to save this case!’ said the person who forgot the case was already lost.

‘Object! I’m not just objecting, I’m fighting for justice!’ said the person who didn’t know what justice was.

A loud, dramatic way of saying you think someone is lying so hard their face is about to fall off.

‘Your Honor, this witness is lying so hard their face is about to fall off!’

‘This person is lying so hard they’re probably gonna start sweating.’

‘They’re not just lying, they’re practically yelling it at me!’

When you say something that sounds smart but is just a fancy way of saying ‘I think that’s what happened.’

‘This evidence clearly shows the contradiction in that statement, Your Honor!’ said the guy who had no idea what a contradiction was.

‘I’m not just saying that, I’m declaring it!’ said the person who didn’t know what declaring meant.

‘This is the most clear contradiction I’ve ever seen!’ said the person who couldn’t tell a contradiction from a sandwich.

When you think you’re being logical, but you’re just being stubborn and pretending you know what you’re talking about.

‘I’m not being biased, I’m just being factual!’ said the person who didn’t know what factual meant.

‘I’m not being subjective, I’m just being real!’ said the person who had no idea what real meant.

‘I’m not being prejudiced, I’m just being fair!’ said the person who had never heard of fairness.

A person who thinks they’re smart, but they’re just a regular person who doesn’t know what smart means.

‘I’m not an idiot, I’m just an object!’ said the person who didn’t know what an object was.

‘I’m not a tool, I’m a smart person!’ said the person who had no idea what a tool was.

‘I’m not a weapon, I’m a genius!’ said the person who didn’t know what a genius was.