Nahirniak

She walked in and the whole bar turned around. ‘That’s Nahirniak?’ someone asked. ‘No. That’s God’s second thought.’

My cousin’s ex is Nahirniak. He still texts her every day. He’s not even married anymore.

She showed up to my party in a tank top and jeans. I was like, ‘You’re not even trying.’ She said, ‘I’m always trying.’

My dad went on a date with Nahirniak and came home with a hangover and a new nickname for his wife: ‘The backup plan.’

She texted my brother: ‘Wanna meet up? I’m wearing pajamas.’ He said yes. He’s still wearing them.

She took one look at my uncle and said, ‘You’ve had three beers. I’ve had one. I’m still more attractive.’

The monk at the temple got a text from Nahirniak. He turned into a blushing mess. He had to go to confession.

She sent my aunt a selfie and a message: ‘You’re still beautiful. But I’m more beautiful.’ My aunt said, ‘You’re not even wearing makeup.’ She said, ‘That’s the point.’

She walked into a church and the priest forgot the sermon. He just stared at her like she was the devil in a yoga pants.