labophile
A labophile is a person who can’t wait to write lab reports. They’d rather do that than eat, drink, or have sex. They are obsessed with lab reports like a junkie is obsessed with drugs.
I got a text from my labophile friend: 'I’m doing a lab report. I skipped the movie. I got a burger. I didn’t eat it. I just stared at it while I typed.'
My labophile cousin came to my birthday party. He sat in the corner and wrote a lab report. He didn’t eat cake. He didn’t talk to anyone. He just wrote and got a boner.
My labophile neighbor doesn’t even go to work. He sits in his pajamas and writes lab reports. He’s got a boner and a full report on the periodic table.