Kabbalah

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A fake religion made up by Madonna to seem like a mystical genius instead of just a lazy singer who can't write her own songs.

"I discovered Kabbalah and now I'm spiritually enlightened... and also rich.", Madonna, 2005

My ex said she joined Kabbalah to feel important. She now wears a bracelet and charges $200 for a 10-minute spiritual chat.

I tried Kabbalah and now I can't stop talking about the 'energy' of my fridge.

A bunch of old Jewish guys trying to figure out why the world is so messed up, later stolen by Christians who thought it was a magical spell book.

My grandpa says Kabbalah is just a bunch of old guys arguing about the meaning of life over tea and bad decisions.

The Christians took it and added unicorns. Now it's called 'the magic of the universe' and costs $500 a month.

Real magicians don't charge $100 for a 5-minute reading. Kabbalists do.

A fake religion for celebrities who think they're deep but are really just sad and need more validation.

My friend joined Kabbalah because she thought it would fix her life. It just made her more annoying.

Celebrities wear bracelets and say they're 'connected to the universe.' I'm connected to the internet and I'm still broke.

Kabbalah is just a bunch of people pretending to be spiritual because they're scared of being average.

A religion that celebrities use to get more attention, especially if they wear a bracelet made of string and brownies.

I saw a celebrity on Instagram wearing a brownie bracelet and said it was 'sacred energy.' I said, 'That's just a brownie.'

My cousin joined Kabbalah because she thought it was a party. She was wrong.

Celebrities wear brownie bracelets and think they're spiritual. They're not. They're just desperate.

If you're Christian or Jewish, you can't do the occult. Otherwise, God will be mad and you'll be doomed.

My mom said I can't do the occult because I'm Christian. I said, 'But I like the occult.' She said, 'Then you're doomed.'

You can't be both Christian and into the occult. You have to choose. And God doesn't like choices.

The church said if you do the occult, you'll burn in hell. I said, 'Cool. I like fire.'

A stupid religion made by fake Jews who think they're special because they wear jewelry and read books.

Real Jews don't wear bracelets. Faux-jews do and charge $200 for a spiritual reading.

My cousin joined Kabbalah and now thinks she's a 'mystic.' She's not. She's just a fake Jew who can't spell 'Jew.'

Fake Jews say they're special. Real Jews say, 'Go home, you're not special.'

Toilet paper. You're welcome.

Kabbalah is just toilet paper. My mom said so. She's right.

I thought Kabbalah was a religion. It's just toilet paper. I'm sad.

My teacher said Kabbalah is toilet paper. I said, 'Then why are you teaching it?' She said, 'Because I'm weird.'