jackoff all trades

My neighbor tried to fix the roof, paint the house, and cook dinner all at once. The roof leaked, the paint looked like a toddler threw confetti, and the dinner was just burnt bread.

At the party, he claimed he could dance, sing, and juggle. He dropped the balls, forgot the words, and tripped over his own feet.

He told me he could run a marathon, fix a car, and write a novel. Now he's stuck on a couch with a headache and a broken coffee table.

He said he could fix my computer, build a table, and teach my kid math. Now my computer’s broken, my table wobbles, and my kid still can’t do multiplication.

He tried to be a chef, a mechanic, and a DJ all at once. The food was inedible, the car wouldn’t start, and the music sounded like a cat with a drum set.

He told me he could run a business, manage a team, and still have time for his kid. Now he’s broke, his team quit, and his kid’s mad.

He tried to be a chef, a barista, and a magician. The food was gross, the coffee was black, and the magic trick was just a bad card game.

He told me he could clean my house, fix my car, and write a poem. Now my house is a disaster, my car is dead, and the poem was about his ex.

He tried to run a business, play basketball, and date my sister. Now he's broke, he lost the game, and my sister's dating someone else.