Jack Hemsley

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Jack Hemsley is the human version of a happy clown who makes your day feel like a party, unless he's being a stuck-up, stubborn, fancy pants.

Jack walked into the room and instantly made everyone laugh, even though he was wearing a suit that cost more than my whole month's allowance.

He called me a 'simpleton' for not knowing the difference between a leech and a fly.

He turned down a pizza because it wasn't 'artisanal enough'.

Jack is a friendly guy, but he can also be a total pain in the ass, especially when he's being his usual posh self.

He acted like I was the one who was being rude when I called him out for eating a sandwich in the middle of a meeting.

He refused to play football because he said the grass was 'too rough for his feet' and 'not fancy enough' for his taste.

He gave me a look that could kill when I told him he looked like a soggy biscuit.

Jack is like a walking sunshine, but he also has a soft spot for swimming and skiing, the only sports that are cool enough for him.

He went skiing on a Tuesday and came back looking like a snowman who had a bad day.

He spent two hours just watching fish swim in a pond because he said it was 'relaxing' and 'not too posh' for him.

He got angry when I told him I preferred football to skiing because it was 'too slow and boring'.

Jack loves animals, but he will actively hate leeches and flies, the only two creatures he considers worthy of being his enemies.

He screamed like a baby when a fly landed on his coffee.

He tried to drown a leech in a cup of tea and it survived.

He refused to eat a sandwich because a fly landed on it and called it 'a disgrace'.

Jack is a vegetarian who talks about food like it's a religion, and if you mess with his food, you will be in trouble.

He got mad at me for eating a meatball and said I was 'disrespecting the sacred art of vegetarianism.'

He spent 10 minutes picking apart a salad because it had 'too many vegetables and not enough dignity.'

He called my pizza 'a crime against taste' and said I was 'a disgrace to the vegetarian community.'

Jack is a nice guy, but he can be a bit evil when he feels like it, like when he decides to be a total snob for no reason.

He made me do 10 push-ups because I didn't know the difference between a leech and a fly.

He called my dog 'a disgrace to the animal kingdom' because it didn't look fancy enough.

He threw a tantrum when I told him he looked like a soggy biscuit in the rain.