I was drunk - What drunks say when they think they’re being cool, but it’s

What drunks say when they think they’re being cool, but it’s actually just the universe laughing at them.

I swear I’m not drunk when I tried to eat a whole pizza in one bite.

I swear I’m not drunk when I threw a shoe at a bus.

I swear I’m not drunk when I told my dog I was the president.