hair straightener

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A fancy, hot-ass clamp that looks like a pair of tongs. It burns your hair into a straight line, and if you're a dumbass, it burns your face too.

My hair looked like a flamingo after I used my straightener on max heat. #HairDisaster

I tried to straighten my hair while eating pizza. Now my hair is straight and my face is fried. #HairAndDinner

My straightener is so hot, it melted my hair and my patience. #HairHell

When a guy’s pubic hair gets caught in his foreskin like a bad haircut. It’s usually a surprise and never a good one.

I was walking and suddenly my foreskin felt like it had a hangover. #PubicPain

I tried to go to the bathroom and my foreskin was in a fight with my pubic hair. #ForeskinFight

I didn’t know my foreskin could hold so much hair. Now it’s like a hair salon in there. #ForeskinSalon

Burn marks on your neck that look like love bites, but they’re from a hot hair straightener instead of a love affair.

My straightener gave me a hickey, and I don’t even know my boyfriend. #HairHickey

I got a burn on my neck and now I look like a vampire. #StraightenerVampire

My straightener bit my neck so hard, it left a mark that will never go away. #NeckBurn

A weird obsession where people spend way too much time trying to look like they have perfect straight hair, even though it’s not worth it.

I spent 45 minutes straightening my hair for a 2-minute video. #HairObsession

My straightener is my best friend. It’s like we’ve been through everything together. #HairFriend

I have a straightener, a mirror, and a life. My hair is the only thing that matters. #HairLife

When you spray a woman’s hair with jizz and then put it in your ass to straighten it. It’s messy, it’s gross, and it’s a little bit genius.

I straightened my girlfriend’s hair with my jizz. It worked, but now I smell like a gym sock. #JizzHair

My straightener is my jizz. My hair is my girlfriend’s hair. It’s like a hair salon meets a toilet. #JizzSalon

I used my jizz to straighten my hair, and now I look like a genius and a lunatic. #JizzGenius