galaxy glazed

Fresh

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When you're so wasted you think the moon is just a really good snack and you're still trying to figure out why the cops showed up.

I ate three pizzas and a whole bag of chips. Now I’m in a jail cell with a guy who thinks he’s a chicken.

My friend tried to ride a skateboard and a trash can at the same time. It was a disaster.

I told my mom I was going to college. She believed me.

When you're so high you think your dog is a wizard and your neighbor is trying to steal your dreams.

My dog started talking to me in Spanish. I think he’s lying.

I tried to explain quantum physics to my cat. He just blinked at me.

I told my boss I was taking a vacation. He said, 'You're already gone.'

When you're so out of it you think the sun is just a really bright light and you're the main character of your own movie.

I tried to make a sandwich and ended up wearing it. It was a masterpiece.

I told my teacher I was sick. He said, 'You look like you’re already dead.'

I tried to text my crush. I sent a picture of my dog wearing my hat.

When you're so messed up you think your pants are a spaceship and your shoes are trying to escape.

I tried to walk to the store. I ended up in a park with a bunch of ducks.

I told my dad I was going to be a superhero. He said, 'You’re already a disaster.'

I tried to take a nap. I ended up in a different town.

When you're so lost in your own world you think the sky is just a really big ceiling and your brain is on fire.

I tried to cook breakfast. I ended up with a fire in the kitchen and a confused neighbor.

I told my friend I was going to be a chef. He said, 'You’re already a mess.'

I tried to text my crush. I sent a picture of my breakfast. It was a disaster.