facial hair

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1
Hairs growing on a guy’s face that make him look like a man. If it’s too much, he looks like a hillbilly. If it’s too little, he looks like a chicken. Girls hate it when guys have it because it makes them look like they’ve failed at life.
My dad’s beard looks like a raccoon lived in his face.
My brother’s mustache looks like he dipped his lip in glue.
My uncle’s sideburns look like they were drawn with a crayon by a 3-year-old.
2
It can look like a bad wax job or a woman who thinks she’s tough and has a mustache that looks like it was glued on by a kid with a broken elbow.
My mom’s fake mustache looks like it’s trying to escape.
My aunt’s beard is so bad, it looks like a cat threw up on her face.
My cousin’s goatee looks like it was painted on with a marker.
3
When a guy grows facial hair just to be different, but it ends up looking like a mess. It’s usually just a hipster trying to look cool, but it looks like he got hit with a mop.
My friend’s beard looks like he tried to eat a whole sandwich and failed.
My neighbor’s moustache looks like he tried to glue a raccoon to his face.
My coworker’s beard looks like it’s been sitting in a trash can for two weeks.
4
A month where guys and some ladies let their facial hair grow because they’re too lazy to shave and think it looks cool.
My dad grew a beard for No-Shave November and forgot to shave for the rest of the year.
My mom grew a beard for December and looked like a mad witch.
My brother grew a mustache for Manuary and thought it made him look tough.
5
A rule that says guys with mustaches are mean, and guys with beards are smart. But if you’re Asian, you get to skip it because you already look like a genius.
Hitler had a mustache and was a dictator.
Lenin had a beard and was a smart guy.
Mao didn’t have facial hair because he was too busy being Asian.
6
A day when guys at the amusement park get to stop shaving because they’re tired of being told they look like a pizza.
The guy at the park had a beard so big, it looked like a raccoon had a baby in it.
The guy next to him had a mustache that looked like it was glued on by a drunk kid.
The guy in the back had a goatee that looked like it was drawn with a marker.
7
A barber who makes beards and mustaches look like they were made by a mad scientist or a guy who has no idea what he’s doing.
The barber gave me a beard that looked like a raccoon slept in it.
He gave me a mustache that looked like it was glued on with glue and glitter.
He gave me a goatee that looked like it was drawn with a marker.
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