A few points shy of a gram

My cousin tried to explain how to use a phone and said, 'Why is there a button for everything? It's like a pizza with 10 toppings!'

My neighbor asked for directions and drew a map that looked like a cat threw up on it.

My friend's idea of a smart move was wearing a hat inside a house and then complaining about the ceiling fan.

At the grocery store, he asked, 'Why do we have to pay for food? It's not like it's alive!'

He tried to text me and typed, 'I'm here but I'm not here, so I'm kinda here but not really here.'

He told me he was going to 'conquer the world by eating a sandwich and then sleeping for three days.'

He tried to fix the TV and said, 'I think it's mad at me.'

He told me he was going to 'become a millionaire by selling rocks to people who think they're diamonds.'

He asked for a hamburger and said, 'I want it to be spicy, but not too spicy, like a little bit of spicy, but not too little.'