objectosexual

Fresh

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A person who gets hard-ons for stuff that can't move or talk, like chairs, shoes, or that one toaster that's been giving you side-eye for years.

I saw him jerking off in the mall because the escalator was flexing.

She married her vacuum cleaner. It was a bad idea.

He tried to date a lamp. It just blinked at him.

They prefer getting it on with things that don't have feelings, like your ex's old phone or that weird sock that's been haunting your drawer.

He proposed to his blender. It just kept spinning.

She cried when her fridge broke. It was a long relationship.

He tried to have sex with a pizza box. It was a disaster.

They’d rather have a no-brain fling with a doorknob than a complicated relationship with a human being.

He dated a doorknob for three years. It was a tough break.

She had a one-night stand with a trash can. It was loud.

He got engaged to a light switch. It was on and off.

They’re more into getting it on with things that can’t argue back, like your mom’s old couch or that weird spoon you’ve been eyeing for years.

He had a three-way with a couch, a lamp, and his ex.

She tried to have a baby with a spoon. It was a mess.

He got dumped by his blender. It was a smooth transition.

They’d rather have a love-hate relationship with a coffee maker than a normal human being.

He got engaged to his coffee maker. It was a bitter sweet deal.

She had a fight with her toaster. It was a burnt relationship.

He dated a coffee cup. It was a cup of loneliness.