Ladymom

I’m not a mom, I’m a full-time babysitter and part-time scream coach.

She hasn’t left the house in three years because she’s too busy feeding the baby and yelling at the toddler.

Her only hobbies are changing diapers and crying in the carpool lane.

Her kids are her whole world, and she’s pretty sure she’s the only one who remembers how to breathe.

She hasn’t had a real conversation in months because she’s too busy arguing with her kid about the color of the sky.

She spends more time at the school play than she does at her own job.

Her only friend is the baby’s doctor, and they only talk about poopy diapers.

She hasn’t had a haircut in two years because she’s too busy changing clothes for her kid’s dance recital.

She forgot what day it was because she was too busy fighting with her kid about bedtime.

She’s been to three different schools because her kid kept getting suspended.

She spends more time on Instagram stories about her kid’s life than her own.

She cries every time her kid fails a test because she thinks it’s a personal attack.

She hasn’t taken a shower in a week because she was too busy helping her kid with homework.

She thinks her only job is to feed the kids and yell at them when they’re not perfect.

She’s never had a real hobby because she’s too busy being a human baby sitter.

She’s been to six different doctors because she forgot she was alive.

She spends more time at the school gate than she does at her own house.

She can’t even remember what day it is because she’s too busy worrying about her kid’s math test.