Jack Pertile

Jack says he's chosen by God to fix my life. I'm still paying for the sins he claims I committed in third grade.

He told me I needed to repent for eating too much pizza. I haven't touched a slice since.

He claims he can speak to angels. They just don't answer back.

Jack told me he never made a mistake. Then he accidentally set his house on fire while trying to pray.

He said he was never late. I saw him show up 10 minutes after the world ended.

He claimed he never lied. Turns out he lied about being a prophet.

Jack told me the entire universe revolves around him. I’m still trying to convince the moon otherwise.

He said he was the only one who could save us. I just used a pizza coupon to bribe the devil.

He claimed he was the only one who could hear God. I think God just yelled at him.

Jack said he was a saint. I saw him eat three pizzas in one sitting and still call it a holy meal.

He called himself a saint. I saw him argue with a streetlight about the meaning of life.

He told me he was a saint. He also cursed my dog for stealing his fries.

Jack said he was God’s best friend. I think God just gave him a bad rating on Yelp.

He told me he talked to God every day. God just says 'whatever' and hangs up.

He claims he’s God’s best friend. I think God just uses him as a punching bag.

Jack says he's always right. I saw him argue with a clock about time and lost.

He told me he was never wrong. I saw him eat five pizzas and still say it was a 'small snack'.

He claims he's always right. I saw him try to pray to the moon and get ignored.