jack blinders

I drank six shots and still think my dog is talking to me

My roommate tried to tell me my pants were on backwards. I told him to shut up or I’d pour the rest of the bottle on him

I saw a fire truck and yelled, 'That’s my cousin!'

I told my mom I was being chased by the CIA. She said, 'Just eat your cereal.'

I tried to fight the mailman because he looked like my ex.

I told my cat it was plotting against me with the toaster.

I screamed at my phone, 'You’re a traitor! You didn’t tell me my name was Bob!'

I called my dad and said, 'You’re not my dad, you’re my enemy.'

I told my fridge it was stealing my dreams.