I killed a man today

I murdered a guy today because he wouldn’t stop talking about his cat’s hairball problems.

I killed a man today just to see if he’d come back as a ghost and yell at me for my bad decisions.

I killed a man today because he challenged me to a duel over who had the better Spotify playlist.

I killed a man today because he said my pizza was ‘not good enough’ and I had no more dignity left.

I killed a man today because he insulted my mom and I couldn’t let that slide.

I killed a man today because he laughed at my jokes and I didn’t like that.

I killed a man today because he wouldn’t stop eating my snack.

I killed a man today because he said my hat looked like a dead raccoon.

I killed a man today because he was annoying and I had no more patience.