I fucked up

I woke up and my sheets were brown and my dog was licking my toes.

My brother laughed so hard he fell off the couch.

My mom said I was lucky it wasn’t the whole bed.

I failed my math test and now I have to eat worms for lunch.

I told my teacher I was sick, but I was just watching cat videos.

My dog ate my homework and I had to wear a hat to school.

I tried to cook and now the kitchen looks like a war zone.

I told my crush I like dinosaurs and now I have to pretend I like spiders.

I texted my ex and now he’s texting my mom.

I was telling my friends about my day and they were already on TikTok.

I started talking about my dog and my brother said, ‘Can we talk about something else?’

I told my mom about my crush and she said, ‘You’re still single?’

I told my brother I was going to kill him for eating my last donut.

I said that to my teacher after she gave me a pop quiz.

I told my friend I was going to throw him out the window for stealing my phone.

I said that before I spilled coffee on my shirt.

I said that before I told my crush I liked spiders.

I said that before I told my mom I was going to run away.

We had sex and it was over before my phone even rang.

I thought it was going to be fun, but it was just a quick fling.

I told my friend I was going to die from how bad it was.