I diagnose you with dead

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a fancy way of saying you're as useful as a dead donkey in a mud pit

You’ve been sitting there doing nothing for three hours. I diagnose you with dead.

I just watched you fail at basic math. I diagnose you with dead.

You tried to fix my Wi-Fi and it’s still broken. I diagnose you with dead.

a stupid way of telling someone they're as good as a corpse in a garbage can

You said you’d finish the project by Friday. I diagnose you with dead.

You tried to flirt with my mom. I diagnose you with dead.

You said you’d come to the party but you didn’t. I diagnose you with dead.

a loud and obnoxious way of saying you're as alive as a dead fish

You said you'd beat me at chess. I diagnose you with dead.

You tried to teach me how to cook. I diagnose you with dead.

You said you'd come to school but you didn’t. I diagnose you with dead.