I am a douche bag

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I am a smelly, loud, stupid human being who thinks the whole world revolves around me.

I walked into a room and everyone ran away screaming. I didn't even know I was there.

I told my dog I was a king. He looked at me like I was a fool.

I took the last slice of pizza and called it a 'royal decision.'

I am the reason people use the word 'douche bag' like it's a curse.

I got into a fight with a tree. It was barely a challenge.

I tried to explain the meaning of life. No one listened. They just laughed.

I called my mom a 'fart in a suit' and she said I was a 'fart in a suit' too.

I am a human-shaped disaster that nobody asked for.

I walked into a bar and the bar got scared.

I told my boss I was going to quit. He said, 'Good. You're already gone.'

I tried to do a magic trick and it just made everyone cry.