Galactic Sex

I woke up thinking I was a spaceship and my girlfriend was the captain.

We had sex so hard the couch started orbiting us.

I didn’t realize I’d eaten my entire snack stash until I looked at my hands and they were covered in crumbs and shame.

I tried to talk during sex and my girlfriend just laughed and said, 'You're like a broken radio.'

We did it on the floor like we were both drunk and confused.

He tried to do a handstand during sex and fell on my head. I’m still mad.

After that, I walked around the house like I was a superhero who just finished saving the universe.

We did it so long I think my legs are now permanently on vacation.

I told my mom I was going to the mall, but I just went to the couch and didn’t come back.

He tried to kiss me and I just said, 'You're like a bad pizza.'

We did it in the kitchen and the toaster started going off like it was trying to join the party.

I had to stop because my dog started barking like he was in on it.

I thought I was flying to Mars and my girlfriend was yelling, 'Turn left!'

He kept saying, 'We’re going to the moon,' and I just said, 'We’re going to the couch.'

I thought my pants were a spacesuit and I was about to launch into orbit.

We did it so slow I thought we were both trying to escape a prison.

He tried to count to ten and just said, 'I’m done.'

I thought I was doing the backstroke during sex and I was just lying there like a dead fish.