facetious fondler

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when you flex how many kids you've felt up and make it sound like a job

I touched 12 kids today. No one even noticed.

I got a promotion because I fondled the principal's kid.

I'm not just touching kids. I'm touching the future.

lying about how cool you are while making kids feel weird

I didn't touch her. I just gave her a high-five that felt like a full-body massage.

I touched 5 kids and said it was 10. It was a lie. It was a glorious lie.

He said he touched the whole class. He touched the whole class.

the fake job of being a teacher and touching kids for fun

I teach math, but I also touch kids. It's a side gig.

I got fired for touching the kid who sat in the back.

I'm not a teacher. I'm a toucher.