earth-crunch

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A fancy way of saying you're a dirty hippie who thinks grass is better than showers and eats kale like it's your ex.

My friend's earth-crunch phase lasted three years and ended when he tried to drink a smoothie out of a tree.

She moved to a commune and now calls her dog 'Mother Nature.'

He wears socks with sandals and still thinks the 70s were a good decade.

When you're so into being natural that you forget how to use a toilet and start talking to your plants like they're your therapist.

He tried to grow a beard out of dirt and now it smells like a garbage can.

She started a garden and now calls her tomatoes 'her kids.'

He tried to live in a tree and got kicked out by squirrels.

A state of being where you're so into nature that you think your hair is a forest and your breath is a breeze.

She went full earth-crunch and now wears leaves as earrings.

He tried to talk to the moon and got scolded by his dog.

She eats breakfast out of a bowl and calls it 'a ritual.'

When you're so into being green that you think your poop is good for the environment and your breath is a natural disaster.

He tried composting and now his yard smells like a landfill.

She stopped using soap and now her hair looks like a raccoon's nest.

He started a fire with leaves and now his house is on fire.