Daddy Saltzer

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A man with a metal suit on his body so he doesn’t fall apart like a broken piece of trash

I swear if he eats one more burger, that suit’s gonna explode.

He’s like a walking robot who still can’t do the moonwalk.

Daddy Saltzer tried to hug me and I nearly got crushed like a soda can.

A guy who wears armor so he doesn’t squish like a pancake when he sits down

He sat down and the chair screamed in pain.

Daddy Saltzer tried to sit on a couch and it broke like a twig.

He’s so heavy, his armor’s got a bun in the oven.

A man with a hard shell on his body so he doesn’t look like a pile of spaghetti

He walked in and the floor creaked like it was about to die.

Daddy Saltzer tried to bend over and his shell made a loud noise like a car crash.

He’s got more armor than a dragon in a medieval battle.