A wife

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A girlfriend that won't let you leave, even if you're a total mess.

My wife is like my ex but with a warrant for my arrest.

I married her because she promised me free pizza forever. That was 12 years ago.

She's the only person who still calls me 'honey' even when I forget to shower.

The woman who will follow you to the ends of the Earth, even if you're a complete disaster.

She said she'd take me to jail if I didn't stop stealing her socks.

I told her I was moving to Alaska. She packed a suitcase and a blender.

She's the only one who still remembers my birthday, even when I forget my own name.

A woman who puts up with your junk and still loves you like you're the only one who ever mattered.

She still texts me even when I forget to reply.

She took me back after I told her I was dating her sister.

She's the only one who still thinks I'm cute even when I'm drunk and crying at 3 a. m.

The best part of your life... and also the worst part.

She’s my best friend and the reason I have no life.

I love her. I hate her. I married her. That’s the deal.

She’s the reason I still have a roof over my head... and also the reason I don’t.

The woman who is your love and your worst nightmare all in one.

She’s the reason I got a divorce... and then remarried her.

She’s my wife and the only person who still thinks I’m attractive.

I would’ve dated her even if she wasn’t my wife.

What you say when you’re ready to commit to the most perfect bitch ever.

I’m gonna marry that girl. She’s perfect. She’s also the reason I forgot my own name.

I just said ‘I do’ to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. Also, she stole my last sock.

I’m gonna marry her. She’s my favorite person... and my favorite disaster.

A married woman who’s got a huge group of gay men fawning over her. She’s tough, smart, and can shade you like nobody’s business.

She’s got more gay men texting her than my ex.

She’s the queen of shade and I’m the one who got roasted.

She’s got a fan club and I’m the guy who still doesn’t know how to use a toaster.