A Quilhelm

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The sound you make when your butt is on fire and your guts are screaming for mercy

I did a Quilhelm in the middle of a Zoom call and my boss asked if I was dying.

My dog heard me do a Quilhelm and ran out of the house like I was a monster.

I did a Quilhelm so loud my neighbor called the cops and said I was a war criminal.

The face you make when your insides are trying to escape through your butt

I did a Quilhelm during my yoga class and my instructor told me to meditate on my pain.

I did a Quilhelm in the grocery store and the cashier looked at me like I was a freak.

I did a Quilhelm in my car and my dog started barking at me like I was a ghost.

The scream of a man who has been betrayed by his own bowels

I did a Quilhelm in the elevator and the guy next to me pressed every button just to get away.

I did a Quilhelm at work and my coworkers started a petition to give me a raise for the pain.

I did a Quilhelm on my mom’s couch and she said I was a disgrace and a disgrace to her family.