A Napoleon

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When you shove two twin beds together to make a king bed, like a desperate man trying to look fancy.

My mom and dad did this to save money, and now I have to sleep on a bed that smells like old socks and regret.

My cousin tried this with a couch and a chair, and it looked like a bad divorce.

My friend’s dog tried this with two pillows and a blanket, and it was just sad.

When a short guy tries to act tough because he’s not tall enough to be intimidating, like a shrimp in a tank full of sharks.

My neighbor yells at the mailman every day because he’s 5'2" and thinks he’s a tough guy.

My cousin’s ex tried to be cool by saying ‘I could take you’ and then ran when I walked in.

My brother once tried to fight a guy who was 6'5" and just cried in the middle of the street.

A tiny dead guy who probably got hit by a bus and didn’t even have time to be mad about it.

My grandma’s cousin died in a car crash and was just a tiny skeleton in a casket.

My friend’s pet rat was a Napoleon and died in a rat fight.

My uncle’s brother was a tiny guy who got buried in a tiny coffin and probably thought it was a luxury.

A guy who was super smart, super strong, and somehow managed to make France look like a mess, even though he was awesome.

He took over France and then started a war with Russia because he was too proud.

He fought so hard, even when it was freezing, and still had the guts to walk through mud with his soldiers.

He was so cool, even when he got defeated, he still had people following him like he was a rockstar.

When you stick all four fingers in something, like a tiny guy with a tiny ego trying to look cool.

My brother did this during a party and looked like a confused lobster.

My friend tried it in the shower and got yelled at by his mom.

My cousin did this in the middle of a dance and got laughed at by the whole school.

A tiny guy from Corsica who took over France and then got kicked out because he was too much for the people.

He fought so many wars, he made France tired and they just wanted to be left alone.

He invaded Russia and lost 400,000 soldiers because he was too proud.

He came back in 1815, fought at Waterloo, and then got kicked out again, like a broken toy.

When you stack stuff on top of each other, like a fancy chef making a pastry that looks like it’s trying to escape.

My mom makes a Napoleon every Sunday and it looks like a pastry trying to get out of a cake prison.

My friend’s pastry looked like it was about to cry from being too full.

My cousin’s puff pastry was so layered, it had a life of its own.